Chaos To Christ

" Our sins do not outweigh the grace of God " So many of us are following a survival pattern and we are not consciously aware of what it looks like, or how it can be healed. We don't even realize that we need healing!  What can sexual abuse lead to?  https://youtube.com/shorts/M6p6Ye7HpCA?si=wHTIk6P8A2ClLzOo  *[ Ptsd, hypervigilance, anxiety, panic disorder, distorted self perception, induced fear, shame, humiliation, guilt, self blame, intimacy issues, self destructive relationships, seductiveness, avoidance behavior and suicidal ideation .]  I wanted my story to be simple . To the point. The problem is that I'm a deep, intense person. Complex. Highly sensitive. Perfectionism flows inside my being, and is my own demise. I'm going to TRY to keep it as simple as possible, without over explaining concepts. If I fail to accomplish this, I apologize in advance!  This post is about Schizoid personality, autism, gender, trauma, BPD, schizophrenia, abuse, fragmentation...

I feel sounds. I assumed it was part of schizophrenia. I do believe that God has been trying to get me to understand this about myself. I guess I assumed that all people with schizophrenia have highly attuned senses. If there's loud music, I feel it inside my bones. If there's a constant drip, I hear it and I have to create a rhythm out of it so it doesn't annoy me. I hear distant cars, dogs barking, even electricity humming.  I see things that others miss.  My attention to detail has been the cause of my perfectionism. I notice cracks and crevices. I notice changes. I notice routines. As if operating outside of time, I notice. I'm constantly wishing I hadn't noticed things that I can't unsee. I wish that I didn't notice characteristics and behaviors of others that I find displeasing. I notice things that others don't, even if I'm not looking for it.  I smell the neighbour's food.  I've always joked about this. My sense of smell is heightene...

 Ever since the year 2020 I have known that I have suffered with schizophrenia. While God delivered me from the demons that were causing psychosis, and therefore I no longer hear the voices, I'm still suffering from the negative affects of this illness, ie. Depression, suicidal ideation, amnesia, headaches, split personalities, anhedonia (lack of pleasure), isolation, maladaptive daydreaming, loneliness to name a few. Yesterday, while in the shower, I was crying. I was crying because of loneliness and a feeling of despair. I'm not living a good life, my mental health is suffering, my right shoulder is in pain as well as my feet. I can't recall the name of the feet issue, it stems from when I did meal deliveries, I was on my feet over 14 hours every day. They now have nerve sensitivities and they pain when I walk. This means it's absolutely vital for me to keep my weight in check, and since I quit smoking I've been gaining weight. I started off at 40kgs which was due...

There are a few things that I'm going to mention wrt my infancy, as I'm very much aware that what I experienced added to my early onset schizoid personality disorder, and later schizophrenia. I was born 2 months premature to a mother who is schizophrenic, but has been unaware all her life.  She talked to herself, she suffers amnesia, she repeats herself, she changes mood based on who she's around, she has no friends, she's not romantic in any way, she's odd / eccentric / unfashionable / plain and ordinary / no hobbies or favorite things. She's jekkyl and Hyde, short tempered, angry, argumentative. She's schizophrenic, but she's too stubborn to accept this information. I'm certain that my premature birth has a lot to do with my schizophrenia. It must have been extremely traumatic. My mother never breastfed me as - in her words - I was too stubborn and refused a bottle. I know that premature babies are underdeveloped in their suckle reflex, among other...

 I believe that the development of this illness, in my case, is that I was born autistic which went by undetected - and due to upbringing, parents, trauma, lack of support, society, genetics, mysogyny and abuse - the development of schizophrenia was the result. I lived with bullying, domestic violence, alcoholic parents, unsafety, neglect, verbal abuse, lack of support or nurture, and I experienced sexual abuse. I developed schizophrenia due to the splitting of my psyche in order to try to cope with all the chaos.  What I have recently learned is that unhealed trauma creates an open door for demons and spirits. If you don't believe in the devil, then you clearly don't believe in God. The devil is spoken about all throughout the Bible. Jesus cast out demons, and He trained His disciples to do the same. If we only look at the physical wrt schizophrenia, then we won't be open to healing.   I was prone/predisposed to developing schizophrenia because I was raised by a mother w...

 By the time I cried out to Jesus, I was neck deep in sin. I was living in survival mode, suffering addictions, suffering mental illness, I was in a marriage to a narcissist and I was being controlled by spirits, tormented by demons. I had lived a life of sex "ad diction" , believing that I was only valued for my body. I had done things that I'm not proud of. I had seen things that no person should ever see. I was in hell on earth. I was desperate for the pain to end. I was desperate to end my life. I simply could think of no other way out of my deep darkness and torment. I had no idea that I was being tormented by actual demons. I had no idea that these demons had been feeding me lies all my life, starting from before birth. I had no idea that they were the cause of my mental illness, as all my life I assumed it was all just me, and my own craziness. It was an absolute miracle that God chose to make His way into my heart that night. I felt a warmth in my heart and the pu...