Why am I a woman?

I feel like I don't know why God created women. 

Was it for us to keep quiet and produce children? 

Then when we have children, was it to take care of them without any guidance or support? To stay slim and pretty and grateful for what man calls love, but God calls abuse? 

Men seem to be the head and women the tail. 

Why is God a man... And why did he create women if He, Himself, needs no woman. All this makes no sense and I don't know HOW to be the woman He wants. I just want people to be more GENTLE. Everyone in my life has been so hard, strong, unemotional, men who take what they want, and do what they want, and speak how they want. 

I used to fantasize about being with women. I think it was my longing for kindness, gentleness - a mother figure. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. While it may be a sin, its because I didn't enjoy the harshness of men. My own mind believed that men should be more feminine. I believe this is trauma related, due to a patriarchal society. 

The men in my life have not protected me. They have all taken from me. Lied to me. I was left feeling battered and empty. Depleted. I was unable to cope with being a woman. I had received no training. I started feeling like I was a total and complete failure as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, and as a woman. I longed to feel whole and healed and complete and wholesome, yet I didn't know how. Something was very wrong in my life, and I could never put my finger on it, no matter how hard I tried. I became a shape-shifter...fitting into my surroundings without sticking out... Survival of the fittest... Eat or be eaten. I now know that this is how the spirit of jezebel makes us operate. We deny ourselves and we blend. We copy. We blindly follow. 

As an adult, my mind thought like a child. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I didn't want to feel like my very existence was to please and satisfy the man in my life. To pretzel myself into whatever he wanted me to be. To pretend everything was fine, to smile and say please and thank you when I wanted to explode out of sheer frustration and internal rage. 

I don't want to sexualize myself, or women, or put men on a pedestal, or to normalize crappy mysogynistic behaviour. I want to call out sexist thoughts, words and actions. I want to right my wrongs. I want to TAKE A REAL STAND against child sexual abuse! I want men to stop being abusive. To stop being predators. To stop being manipulative. To stop raping women and children. To stop molesting women and children. To stop thinking perverted thoughts. I want to take a stand to actively help women and children who are currently being used, abused, and sold. To help them feel like they have more value in this world than to be a toy. A plaything. A thing. 

I want girls to know they are not objects, that they should get to know themselves through God's eyes  before they start pursuing relationships. I want the fashion industry to stop completely. The makeup industry to stop. The porn industry to stop. Sex obsession to stop. If it can all just STOP. 

Men must WAKE UP. 

Men must open their eyes to the REAL FACTS. Men must stop blaming others. Men must STOP OBJECTIFYING WOMEN AND CHILDREN. 

So women can take a seat. We can sit down and take time to collect our thoughts. Assess our value. Feel into who we are, what we want, how we feel. We can begin to say NO to things that we no longer want. Things that objectify us. We can start becoming who God meant for us to be. We can start figuring it out without all the demands and expectations that is brought on by a patriarchal society. 

Where are the real men? 

Where are the ones who love God, who ADMIRE women and don't think of them as meat? 

Where are the men who will pray FOR and WITH their family? Who will lovingly guide and caretake their children! Who will work hard for their family without complaining and making them feel guilty. Who will treat their family, and in particular their wife and children with utmost respect and reverance, knowing they are a GIFT from God, and not an extention of their ego. Where are these men!!?? I'm done asking women to change. We've been doing that for years. I wholeheartedly believe that change starts with MEN. God created Adam. He saw that he was lonely. He graced him with Eve. She was a gift. A gift. I'm asking this question to the MEN... How have you taken care of the gift in your life? 

Have you made her feel loved, and not lusted after? Have you nurtured her, respected her, helped her, guided her, prayed for her? Or Have you walked all over her, threatened to leave her, yelled at her, cheated on her, lied to her, cursed at her, and refused to commit to her? I am not interested in hearing about how badly wives treat their men. I'm done with that. The STATISTICS show that MEN are responsible for the majority of child sexual abuse. My question is... WHY? Why is sex trafficking not ACTIVELY BEING ADDRESSED? 

God knows the answers to these questions. You will need to answer to Him soon enough. How well did you steward what He sent you? 

Men must turn back to God. Seek His guidance to best make the necessary choices in his life in order to caretake his God-given gifts. Women, take a seat for a minute. Turn to prayer and turn toward the one who knows you INTIMATELY. It's through a personal relationship with Jesus that your questions will be answered. The world needs to begin to settle down, shift, change and be in alignment for God-ordained relationships and lifestyles. We should be thinking about preparing our life for Jesus' return. 

How can we be OK with Jesus returning to a world where women and children - who are Gods gifts to the world - are being used as sex slaves!? 

 Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Yes, I have been abused. Yes, I have been brainwashed into believing that my ONLY VALUE was my vagina, and my ability to satisfy my man. I spent 46 years of my life believing that I had absolutely no needs of my own. I was "trapped at the age of 12" because that's when I was Raped. That's when the final nail was hammered into my coffin. I had witnessed men abusing their wives sexually, I had seen men viewing porn, I had seen my dad's porn magazines, I had seen men in fist fights with their wives (in my own family), I had heard men belittling their daughters, bullying their own children, I had been fondled and groped by my cousin, I had been fondled and groped by boys at school, I had seen my uncles and my dad gaze inappropriately at my cousins budding breasts, I had seen R-rated movies, I had been exposed to by a masturbating stranger, I had been hunted down and kissed inappropriately by a mentally ill neighbour, I had been cat-called, wolf-whistled, perved at, and groped by strangers, I had been spat on, punched and kicked by a boyfriend ... All by the time I was 15 years old. The foundation and the tone that was set for my life was abusive, perverted, immoral and sexual. I didn't feel safe. I didn't have any role models. I didn't have anyone to talk to. At 15 I wholeheartedly believed that I needed to find a boyfriend, because that's all I was good for. Being someone's girlfriend. A sex toy. My psyche was conditioned to believe that my vagina was all I had to offer him. I was brainwashed to believe that girls were weak, boys were strong, and my own needs were non existent. My psyche learned that Sex = love. 

This is how I lived my life. Feeling completely like I had NO NEEDS, AND NO RIGHT TO SAY NO. My NO went unheard. 

I'm angry. 

I'm angry because I am 51 years old and I have wasted my whole life. My true self was killed that night I was Raped. I believed it was because I was weird, strange, different. My autistic self was rejected over and over and over by people who never saw me, who never heard me, who never helped me. So I wore the masks. I became whoever I needed to be, as long as it wasn't myself. This mentality opened me up for further rejection, abuse, bullying. So much bullying. I'm exhausted. 

To the world who have rejected me... now that I'm a christian... Now that I no longer smoke or drink... Now that I no longer gossip and spill the tea... Now that I no longer flaunt my body... Now that I no longer curse... Now that I no longer know who I am not... Now that I'm re-learning everything after narcissistic (jezebel) abuse... Now that I'm coming out of my false self... Now that I've been used and abused... Now that I'm lying flat on my back, distraught at times because of an exhausting life of trying to be someone I wasn't... Now that I have absolutely nothing to my name... Now that I no longer want to sell my soul to the devil... Now that I openly confess I've been trapped at 12, I'm autistic and it's going to take some time for me to heal... I no longer care. I no longer am the nice girl. I no longer please and appease. I've felt rejection all my life. I've never been allowed to BE AUTISTIC...because its not easy needing so much help. Ive never felt safe and secure enough to admit that I need help. I've been yelled at, and expected to know how to act, what to do, where to go, when, as a baby and child my autism went undetected, and my home life was chaos. I've been living trapped in fear. 

So, my question is... Where are the men? Where are the men who are actively making this world safer for women and children? Where are the men who can handle this kind of post? Who won't try to minimize my feelings. Who won't feel offended by my line of questions or by my honesty. I challenge you to stand up and act on our behalf. Act on behalf of abused women and children. Act on behalf of sex trafficking. Act on behalf of those who have no voice, those who cannot protect themselves. Act on behalf of babies and toddlers. Act on behalf of special needs children. Stop partying and start taking a stand. Protect Gods gifts. All of them. 

The world is watching you. For those who refuse to man up...... You WILL be judged. We ALL will be judged. Whether you like it or not. 

What am I going to do? I'm going to pray for guidance. I'm going to pray for the opportunity to make a real difference in this life. I'm going to use the time I have left. Instead of praying for my life to end, I'm going to pray for my life to have meant something worthwhile. I pray that Jesus hears my plea. I pray that something begins to shift. I pray that I get used again, only this time I pray that I'm used for GOOD and not for evil. 

I was operating under the spell of the jezebel spirit (narcissism). It happened because of sexual trauma. Unhealed wounds. Neglect and domestic violence and generational sin. Jezebel had legal rights to access me. But God has helped me free myself from these bonds and these curses and these ties. It's a daily struggle, my mind has been coercively controlled, brainwashed, and coming out of that thick, dark poisonous smog is hard. He has freed me from smoking, drinking, weed, sexual immorality and perversion, cursing, porn addiction, love addiction, perfectionism, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, derealization and depersonalization, disassociation, BPD, echolalia and mimicking, and psychosis (which I believe was from schizophrenia, a demonic curse brought upon me because of my mother). Being an adult trapped developmentally at an age of 12...its SCARY. People expect you to act differently... You expect you to act differently. Always comparing myself to others my age, and comparing myself to neurotypical women. Being autistic in a cruel world is scary. I'm learning all about spiritual warfare and combining it with psychology and things of the world in order to gain a complete understanding of life. I thank God for His guidance 🙏 because it's not been easy. While autism may be a generational curse, it's a curse that I was born into. It's not "God-given" and it's not because I'm "special". Until such a time as God freeing me from this curse, for now I'm doing what i believe needs to be done. Things are spiritual, yes. But they affect us in the natural. God heals in His way... Sometimes fast, sometimes slowly. Often it's not just a matter of casting out demons. God wants us all healed, but I believe He also wants us to use our skills to help each other. I only wish I saw more God-fearing men fighting for the Lord, not for his flesh.