An answered prayer : Why I'm not healed

 Ever since the year 2020 I have known that I have suffered with schizophrenia. While God delivered me from the demons that were causing psychosis, and therefore I no longer hear the voices, I'm still suffering from the negative affects of this illness, ie. Depression, suicidal ideation, amnesia, headaches, split personalities, anhedonia (lack of pleasure), isolation, maladaptive daydreaming, loneliness to name a few.



Yesterday, while in the shower, I was crying. I was crying because of loneliness and a feeling of despair. I'm not living a good life, my mental health is suffering, my right shoulder is in pain as well as my feet. I can't recall the name of the feet issue, it stems from when I did meal deliveries, I was on my feet over 14 hours every day. They now have nerve sensitivities and they pain when I walk. This means it's absolutely vital for me to keep my weight in check, and since I quit smoking I've been gaining weight. I started off at 40kgs which was due to stress (ptsd) from my narcissistic soon-to-be former husband.

Why am I not healed, Lord? Why?

*****

After my shower, 2 things happened. 

1. I opened up my phone, and on it was a clip from The Chosen. Here it is :

https://youtu.be/KZDvcEkjthA?si=z9qn4CZtMnkgv-f6

2. I received a message from my son telling me that he loves me. 💙


God HEARS us, even when we don't think He does. 

The message and the video made me cry. Big, big tears. 

I'm NOT as well spoken, confident, impactful as other people I see on YouTube. I lack the ability to view myself as noteworthy. I struggle to view myself at all. 

Its the illness that creates in me an unwillingness to take myself seriously, constantly doubting myself and feeling like I truly don't matter. This is why I isolate, I don't enjoy socializing while I'm feeling like this internally. 

Its not something I can just WILL to be different. It's part of the illness. I look forward to the day I'm healed, and finally feel what it's like to be free of mental anguish, extreme self consciousness and bodily pains. 

For now, though, I'm going to learn whatever I can about diet and nutrition in the hopes that I can make a difference. I'm going to look into parasites, and do a deworm. I'm going to try probiotics. I need to feel safe, and live as stress - free as possible. 

I absolutely have to work on my Bible reading and prayer life, and I must be obedient to The Holy Spirit. I will need to find out what it is that God wants me to do for His Kingdom. The Time Is Now. 

*****



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