Chaos To Christ

I had so many factors working against my natural femininity that it's become clear to me how my story panned out. My parents were hoping for a boy. After they had my 2 older sisters, they imagined that I would be the boy they wanted. My dad had even proudly chosen my name. I believe that my being born a girl was utter disappointment for them. I have recently come across a number of people who have experienced similar gender stories and have ended up experiencing gender dysphoria and / or body dysmorphia. The truth is that I WAS hurt. Every single time that my parents reminded me, or reminded others by repeating the same story to me, to friends, to relatives. It made me feel insecure, wrong, a disappointment. That somehow I wasn't really a girl. It stuck with me throughout my life, and it did some real psychological damage. As a person with Autism, I am a very literal thinker. If someone told me I was meant to be a boy, that's exactly how I understood it. I developed a fear ...

 The pieces of my puzzle are falling into place, I am beginning to get a feel for the whole bigger picture. As I assemble the puzzle that is my life, I feel the cries within me of utter disappointment in myself. I have been unable to do what I believe the lord is asking me to do, but the reasons behind my disobedience actually has been caused by my mental illness, AUTISM, PTSD and BPD. The Lord led me to a Ted talk on the complexities of people with schizophrenia and their poor decision making skills.  https://youtu.be/y5CZiuT-g3M?si=PqAsjn4XAQToP6TF These difficulties have been debilitating for me, and it's caused a delay in my choices, to the point of avoidance. Combined with autism which longs for action and justice, I'm torn in two. I understand more facts today, thanks to specific trauma-based videos I've been led to. I'm posting all video links below, for future reference.  I've been crying out, apologizing to the Lord,  begging for forgiveness, I had already...

I have been noticing my "need" for low-nutrition snacks, lately. It seems I've been struggling with emotional eating, dieting, body image issues all my life, including body dysmorphia. Today I received a few video links which I've never searched for before. I know that God wants us to caretake our vessel, that He wants us in good health. It's no longer about looking good for the approval of men, it's about taking care of my body which is a Temple of the Holy Spirit.    The spirit of gluttony " The spirit of Gluttony rides on the back of a horse named Sugar"  https://youtu .be/ZWhfZV3xDTM?si=8wFBCtB9ewAfh1I1 The spirit of gluttony, Part 2 https://youtu.be/foerfYXsppI?si=BfKOce9Q1_HEHtS_ Beating the spirit of gluttony https://youtu.be/Y8HtLop5ykI?si=7lnWVpkZmxKwTWWi When is it gluttony? https://youtu.be/nELul1eZUq8?si=oiACa_2iBXyQLJnm Craving God not food https://youtu.be/15jF6W7ZIEQ?si=hF862jk4i-1F7ld5 Four signs food has become an idol https://youtu....

Whatever your parents programmed you to believe about yourself... Is witchcraft. Don't let the devil win. Cast down all curses that they spoke over you with this prayer: Prayers for breaking witchcraft https://youtu.be/fSW9bripUKI?si=96jotWonwYLrehGP 🙏 https://youtu.be/F5ELYWTT2DI?si=AtOJpJDPoVDQ5HYc My parents were the reason that I was so traumatized as a child, which continued into my adulthood. What they said to me mattered to me. Of course it would, I was a child.  I didn't deliberately carry these beliefs into adulthood, it was subconsciously programmed into me. These programs eventually become self-fulfilling prophesies, unless we become aware of what they are. And we renounce them.  What my parents taught me: I'm evil  - I went through a stage where I'd throw my dolls at my mom while having nightmares. She told me numerous times that I'm evil. This was programmed into my mind, and I am fearful of being seen as narcissistic or abusive, because I believe in m...

  A prayer to cast out Jezebel: Father in Heaven, in the name of Yeshua, Jesus Christ of Nazareth: I repent for all agreement with the Jezebel spirit, knowingly or unknowingly.  I break every soul tie, every curse, every word of manipulation and control that has taken route in me, or those around me.  I command the spirit of Jezebel to leave now, in your name, in the name of Yeshua, Jesus Christ of Nazareth.  I declare freedom, restoration and truth.  I cover myself and my household with the blood of the lamb.  No weapon formed against me shall prosper.  I rise in the authority of Christ to walk in purity and boldness and truth in Yeshua's mighty name.  Amen. 

I feel like I don't know why God created women.  Was it for us to keep quiet and produce children?  Then when we have children, was it to take care of them without any guidance or support? To stay slim and pretty and grateful for what man calls love, but God calls abuse?  Men seem to be the head and women the tail.  Why is God a man... And why did he create women if He, Himself, needs no woman. All this makes no sense and I don't know HOW to be the woman He wants. I just want people to be more GENTLE. Everyone in my life has been so hard, strong, unemotional, men who take what they want, and do what they want, and speak how they want.  I used to fantasize about being with women. I think it was my longing for kindness, gentleness - a mother figure. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. While it may be a sin, its because I didn't enjoy the harshness of men. My own mind believed that men should be more feminine. I believe this is trauma related, due to a ...

 I was on my Sunday walk, when I prayed a prayer that God answered. The way that He works is miraculous. God is indeed so good. Even when He delivers messages to us that we have been too fearful to see.  Honestly, knowing that the living God sees and hears me, wants relationship with me, cares about me... Its hard to digest. But I know the truth. I know He lives inside of my heart, and I inside of His. I know that He's the one leading me down a path of righteousness. It's all Him. I know that He's available to all who seek Him. It's not just me, I don't think of myself as the "only one" . I think of myself as the "willing one".  My prayer, on this particular Sunday was full of sadness, despair, pain. I journalled it: I prayed to the Lord and I broke down in tears. I felt so sad, lonely, heartbroken, scared, alone, confused, hurt, misunderstood, ignored, left for dead. I cried out to God, asking for help. When I got home from my walk, I opened my...