An answered cry : You are not a disappointment

 The pieces of my puzzle are falling into place, I am beginning to get a feel for the whole bigger picture. As I assemble the puzzle that is my life, I feel the cries within me of utter disappointment in myself.

I have been unable to do what I believe the lord is asking me to do, but the reasons behind my disobedience actually has been caused by my mental illness, AUTISM, PTSD and BPD.

The Lord led me to a Ted talk on the complexities of people with schizophrenia and their poor decision making skills. 

https://youtu.be/y5CZiuT-g3M?si=PqAsjn4XAQToP6TF

These difficulties have been debilitating for me, and it's caused a delay in my choices, to the point of avoidance. Combined with autism which longs for action and justice, I'm torn in two.

I understand more facts today, thanks to specific trauma-based videos I've been led to. I'm posting all video links below, for future reference. 

I've been crying out, apologizing to the Lord,  begging for forgiveness, I had already been given knowledge of all of the information regarding my schizophrenia and autism as well as my husband's coercive control and abuse, but people around me weren't hearing me, because "I'm not a psychologist" - but when GOD places truth on your heart, you KNOW. Unfortunately I have not been very good at convincing others of these truths. Now I have more tangible evidence to stand behind, I feel I've disappointed God. Here's something I believe is for me to take to heart:

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"You are not a disappointment! I see you every day and I'm brought to joy. I know your every thought and I see your turmoil. I long to watch you during your day. I see you sleeping and I am in awe of you. I see you perfect, and one day you will too. When I bring you up to the mountain you will be radiant and my glory will surround you. And you will see your glory. Do not be afraid my love, for I am with you always. I set your day before you and I watch you perform each task in the unique way in which I created you. Some days you fall, yes. But many times you have conquered. Many of you who have asked me, "please keep me humble and not prideful" and I honor that, and I do it by not letting you see the many fruits that you have produced. I just let you see a small amount lest you become prideful. 

I am protecting you, my bride, from the schemes of the enemy. Truly I say to you without me you would have fallen for all the temptations that the devil has given you. Remember, the devil tempted me three times. 

First he asked "if you are the son of God, command these stones to bread." This equals pride. 

Second, he asked " if you are the son of God throw yourself down for your angels will catch you." This equals lust of power. 

A third thing, he said "I will give you all things of the earth if you will fall down and worship me." This proves that he is a liar. 

(These are keys as to how the devil tempts you during the day to try to get you to sin. Check yourself. Is what I am doing prideful? Is it right? Watch out for lust of power. The devil might tempt you with scripture. Be mindful. He is a massive liar. He hides it within truth. So you have to discern what the truth is from a lie.)

My beloved, Satan will tempt you to be prideful. He will tempt you with power, he will tempt you with the ultimate lie, promising everything that this world's heart desires. So my children, when you do mighty works for the kingdom of heaven, expect the works of the devil to come into your life. But fear not. I have overcome my bride. Death has no sting and life has no end. Go now my child. Go to conquer and take back what the enemy has stolen. I will be with you. 

The battle is not yours, it is mine. If I am with you, who can be against you? My beloved children stand with me, I cherish you. I never condemn you. My correction is loving and nurturing yet firm in my resolve. 

Do you not hear me? How long am I to bare with you. Don't listen to the enemy, listen to me. Come out of the world. Come to me always. Sit with me. Read my word. Have it written on your hearts. Get the noise out of the background. 

Be still and know that I am God. Do you know that I wait for you every day, to spend time with me? I can't wait. Nothing gives me more joy than spending time with you. Yes, you. I love you so much. I could go on and on and one day I will tell you in many different ways how much I love you. You will even feel it. Yes your essence will feel my love and you will melt. You will even see my love. Truly you will. Do you want to know more? I have pets who can't wait to meet you in heaven. Animals that you love but have never had or have even seen are waiting for you. They ask me when you are coming home. Do you know what my answer is? SOON. 

Yes, my children. So many exciting things await you here. Go now, tell others about me. If you don't know what to say to someone, then simply say that I love them. 

Your messiah, 

Jesus. 

**********

Bless you, Mike from We are the Saints. 

https://youtu.be/QowhGdMtEO0?si=7pXz-DmTYZki7zUw

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What can happen if my trauma is not treated? 

Am I exaggerating my struggles? 

Why do I always feel like a bad person? 




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