FREEZE and FAWN!

"Our sins do not outweigh the grace of God"

So many of us are following a survival pattern and we are not consciously aware of what it looks like, or how it can be healed. We don't even realize that we need healing! 

What can sexual abuse lead to? https://youtube.com/shorts/M6p6Ye7HpCA?si=wHTIk6P8A2ClLzOo *[Ptsd, hypervigilance, anxiety, panic disorder, distorted self perception, induced fear, shame, humiliation, guilt, self blame, intimacy issues, self destructive relationships, seductiveness, avoidance behavior and suicidal ideation.] 

I wanted my story to be simple. To the point. The problem is that I'm a deep, intense person. Complex. Highly sensitive. Perfectionism flows inside my being, and is my own demise. I'm going to TRY to keep it as simple as possible, without over explaining concepts. If I fail to accomplish this, I apologize in advance! 

This post is about Schizoid personality, autism, gender, trauma, BPD, schizophrenia, abuse, fragmentation and survival, subconscious / autopilot behaviour, trauma bonding to abusers, body dysmorphia, depersonalization, Hypersexuality, and self medication. 

I believe I was born autistic, which developed into schizoid personality disorder, progressed to BPD/psychopathy and ended in schizophrenia. Parts of self that fragmented and caused a split psyche with different personalities. 

My aim is to finally put all the right words to my past experiences, and to create an awareness wrt unhealed sexual wounds which has ended up with the same subconscious behaviour patterns in others who are in fear of man and are on autopilot, reacting from a younger traumatized state of being. I believe that I absolutely cannot be the only one on earth who is suffering from this, and therefore it has to be brought to light. I want others to know that healing is possible, that they're not alone, that GOD really does have a very special place in His heart for the oppressed and abused.

 I have recently been led to watch YouTube stories explaining women's sexual assault or molestation experiences. All of these women were under the age of 16 at the time of assault. I noticed that, out of the many that I watched:

1. None of them reported their perpetrator. This means that they went on to possibly abuse others, not ever having been held accountable for the horrific treatment of a young child whose future was hell. Justice remains unserved. 

2. None of them received counseling. When we are violated, it affects our body, mind, soul and spirit. We need to feel that someone else cares about us enough to help us through this, to prevent the devopment of depression, anxiety and ptsd. 

3. None of them told their parents or another adult, and if they did, they were accused of lying. This is possibly worse than the act itself... To be told it's your own fault. This can lead to mistrust in self. This happened to me, I completely relied on my partners to caretake me, so I wouldn't act out and regret it. 

This is extremely troubling, due to the fact that my own personal sexual abuse story affected me, my mental health, my reputation, my behaviour, my life choices, my children, my addictions, my demons, my thoughts, my beliefs, my behaviour, my sexuality, basically my entire life from age 12 to age 46. I was walking around in a trance, and I didn't even know it! 

I WISH I had told someone. I WISH I had sought counselling. I WISH the perpetrator had been reprimanded and given counseling. It's not OK that he carried on with his life, unaffected, and I suffered so severely from something that I didn't ask for, didn't want, didn't expect, and certainly didn't enjoy.  As a result of one rough sexual encounter with a neighborhood boy who was years older than me, it left deep core wounding and scars, it changed my brain and my beliefs, it created within me a split in my psyche, it made me hypersexualize myself, it started the onset of schizophrenia, it created a false narcissistic persona as a means of self preservation, it caused BPD and it made me feel ashamed and I self rejected my autism. All of this was due to one sexually traumatic event. Because you never know how the victim is going to respond. You never know her state of mind. You never know her background. So to lump all victims of abuse together, to assume that each one will need the same therapy and the same treatment, to assume everyone can get over it, to call it "no big deal"... To share our stories without therapy is minimizing the assault. It's letting ourselves down. To be unable to name our perpetrator is keeping us in "fear of man" which has a crippling impact on our wellbeing and mental health. 

I was sexually assaulted... as a tiny, introverted 12 year old autistic girl. 

When it happened I was completely alone. In the dark. In a park. He was double my size. He was strong. He was drunk. 

I cried. I pinched. I bit. I clawed. I kicked. My tiny frame against his felt frustrating for me. My NO wasn't heard - or rather - was ignored. 

It was rough and painful, and it left me feeling completely powerless. 

What happened that night changed me completely. If I had to warn other teenage girls who have suffered the discomfort and uneasiness and pain and guilt and shame and confusion of sexual abuse or assault or molestation... I honestly don't know where to begin. My psyche split, I retreated further into self rejection, and I created a false self to protect myself from being hurt again. 

I minimized my experience, even though, for me, it was traumatizing, confusing, scary, and had lasting effects and obvious ptsd symptoms, I didn't know that it was rape, abuse or an assault. I didn't know that I had the right to report it. I didn't know that I had the right to seek a therapist, or that I should have gone to my doctor for a check-up. I was a scared little 12 year old child who knew that my mother would have yelled at me, so I didn't tell her. 

Here's the outcome of my sexual assault... (All of this was due to unconscious freeze responses which happened every single time I was around boys or men... Because I feared for my life, and therefore I gave in to their desires, EVEN IF these desires were not pleasing to me! 

1. I hypersexualized myself because I believed that my body was my only value. (Sexual compulsivity, even though my true self was actually A-sexual) 

2. I believed that my NO meant nothing, therefore I pushed down all my other needs, too. 

3. I developed a fear of men and a hatred of women.. I had no choice but to offer myself to men to keep me from being hurt. This was played out subconsciously in my behaviour around men. I had to flirt, smile, be kind, acquiesce. The 12 year old me frozen in time. Scared of being hurt again. 

4. I developed a name for myself throughout my school, my suburb and surrounding areas and I was harassed daily. This confused me, I didn't know it was wrong. I was being bullied, and nobody was actually HELPING me to know better! I felt extremely alien, like everything I did or said was wrong. I honestly tried hard to parade around, to please their eyes. This, in my opinion, was what I was meant to do. 

5. I used many things as a means to self medicate. Cigarettes. I smoked from the age of 12. Even when I was alone. It was never a peer pressure thing for me, but it calmed my nerves. I drank until I passed out. Also, not from peer pressure. It helped give me courage to be more confident. It also calmed down the voices inside my head. I sniffed tippex thinners and glue. I spent time around boys who smoked Marijuana... This was something that affected me really easily. Second hand high. Lost all my inhibitions. I behaved a certain way (outwardly) only to be disgusted afterwards (inwardly) - and I didn't know that these were 2 seperate Personalities. One trying to protect the inner me. 

6. If I was around "safe" people, I'd feel uncomfortable... I didn't know how to instinctively act. I felt watched. Judged. It was so uncomfortable. Like I had to constantly please everyone, and these safe people didn't want me to strip or get drunk and high... I would feel defective. False. Awkward. 

7. I absorbed the behaviour of singers and actresses, porn stars and girls around me who I believed my partners found attractive. I self rejected, and I allowed them to reject me, too, by lying about my needs. I wasn't really easy going. Truth was... I had plenty of needs, wants, desires... I just kept them stifled so long that I no longer knew who I was. I abandoned myself. It wasn't my fault. The voices in my head caused by the abuse I suffered, the rejection and bullying, the sxl assault... Made me hate my inner self. So I acted like jekkyl and Hyde even towards myself. 

8. Eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I would say really horrible things to myself in the mirror. I'd pick on my blemishes and scars, my cellulite and rolls. I thought my body was disgusting because I didn't look like the actresses on TV or on PornHub. I wore makeup to cover the blemishes, and to make myself look better. I disliked my own face without makeup. I couldn't stand to see photos of myself, I would instant get anxiety. The person I am inside feels very different to the person I portrayed myself to be. I'd constantly be on diet, I felt disgusting being overweight. I was obsessed with my looks and weight and skimpy outfits. (It turns out that I actually prefer tracksuits, fluffy clothes, scarves, jerseys and slippers to what I used to wear!) 

ALL OF THIS BEHAVIOUR LASTED UNTIL THE AGE OF 46.

It had become so bad, my husband and I watching Pornography for 6 hours per night, and I was working very long hours on my feet every day for over 12 hours. Drinking and smoking Marijuana every night. My inner world in turmoil. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Ocd. Intrusive thoughts. Depersonalization. Derealization. I was viewing myself as an object. I was viewing people as objects. It had escalated, and I fell into utter depths of despair. 

One night while standing in the kitchen, I asked myself "why has everything about my life always been about sex"???? 

A movie played in front of my eyes. Jesus was showing me my sxl assault. Jesus knew about it. He was there with me. He showed me how I had created false beliefs based on this assault. I had been stuck at 12...arrested development... Which explains why I was always so weird and awkward around other people, I felt like a child. It was why I acquiesced and became a people pleaser. I dressed like a teenager. I spoke like a teenager. I believed sex = love, and that I'd be hurt if I didn't willingly offer it whenever someone wanted it. It was why I needed a partner to protect me. I had been on autopilot, in freeze/fawn response. Men were stronger than me, taller than me, and they scared me... Therefore I had found a way to make them not hate me. My 12 year old just eager to please my husband sxly without enjoying it. I had been doing this for years! 

When Jesus was done showing me what I needed to know, I looked down at my body. "I'm not 12 years old anymore" - and I was hit with pain. All the pain I had been repressing. So much pain. My heart was heavy, sore, burning. 

I called out to God. I turned towards Him. For the very first time in my life, I cried out to my heavenly Father! I felt His love warm my heart. I felt so much care and comfort and love. Like He was holding me under His wings. In that moment the voices around my head came to stillness. He had chased away my demons. 

Here's what I learned:

• Inappropriate sexual behaviour
• Aggression
• Mood swings 
• Clingy behavior and regression
• Defiance
• Hypervigilance

These are all trauma responses among sexually abused children. This stuck with me into my adulthood, influencing my daily life. I hadn't dealt with my abuse and therefore I was still suffering all of these consequences. Which is why I was unable to leave my abusive partner. These subconscious beliefs had me trapped inside my trauma bond, replaying my childhood trauma and abuse, causing me pain and suffering. The cycle just continuing. 

UNTIL GOD. 

I have lost my way a lot during this walk with God. I didn't always understand where He was leading me. I never knew anything about spiritual warfare. I didn't know words such as sanctification, edification, salvation. I hadn't said a prayer to invite Him in, I just called Him into my heart. It was perfect. 

I have made many mistakes in my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy spirit. I've fallen and I've failed and I've cried and I've yelled. I've lost everyone. I've been hard pressed. I've been in disbelief about the whole thing until God led me to a video By Angie Maris explaining exactly what happened to me. 

Its on this blog : https://chaos2christ1234.blogspot.com/2025/06/how-i-was-saved.html?m=1

*****

I have had so many distractions from this experience ever since it happened, mainly because I didn't know that I needed solid discipleship. So, instead, I resorted to more cult - like practices such as Teal Swan, Eckhart Tolle, Sadhguru. I was lead back into witchcraft anbd the occult. To me, because I'm a highly sensitive person - we are prone to gaslighting and manipulation. People who have suffered from Schizophrenia know all about self rejection... You can read about it through Gods lens here: 

https://chaos2christ1234.blogspot.com/2025/06/schizophrenia.html?m=1

*****

Falling back into New Thought spirituality made me use spiritual bypass on myself. 

Instead of reporting the abuse of my husband to the authorities, I meditated and I okayed everything and I gaslit myself into forgiving him. But... My core self, my 12 year old inner self... She retreated. She minimized herself instead of integrating with me. She was ANGRY with me for staying. 

I felt like a walking corpse. The more I learned about autism and schizophrenia, the more I knew it was applicable to me. I felt stuck inside a very abusive relationship because my masks had all been removed leaving me extremely vulnerable. I tried doing healing with my husband, but ended up being retraumatized. You cannot heal inside a relationship with an unstable person. I became catatonic, in complete shock. My inner voice just couldn't talk. I felt in my spirit that God wanted me to go to the police. Why was I being so stubborn? Instead I tried REALLY HARD to buy some time while I tried to think of a plan of action... But I was withering away. It took an argument that had me wishing my life would end... When I heard God speak straight into my heart, " HE is doing this to you" - and I knew I had to get out. I just didn't know how. The inner me still petrified of him. I couldn't say the words. I couldn't. I felt absolutely useless. Schizophrenia is soul destroying, not allowing you to act upon your own values and beliefs. I truly wished my life would end. 

Slowly I started making my way back to the one and only savior - Jesus Christ. He had been doing a work in me, even though I had rejected Him. I stopped smoking, drinking, porn and sex, I remained celibate, no masturbation. I stopped watching movies and TV. I stopped listening to music. 

I was reading my Bible. Playing scripture while I slept. Slowly building up some strength after losing over 10kgs. I weighed 40kgs. I had nobody to talk to, I was totally alone. I wanted nothing to do with my old life. I couldn't bring myself to even see my adult children. I felt mad and angry at everyone. I was alone. Lonely. Scared. 50 years old, first time I've ever been alone. My mind was foggy. I could hardly think straight. It felt like I was in hell. I was living back with my parents. I was keeping to myself. Minimal contact with anyone. And slowly, slowly I've been listening to prophets and evangelists, I've been learning about warfare, I've been praying and repenting. I've been misled by false prophets, but luckily I've caught on. They're all over social media. God has been planting seeds. Slowly my mind is changing. My heart is changing. 

*****

I have Unfollowed / Blocked anyone who is / has made me feel guilty about being abused. It wasn't my fault. I was programmed to tolerate it. I was brainwashed to allow it. I was too young to know better. By the time I reached adulthood, the programming was deeply instilled. By parents, friends, family, peers, school, movies, songs, society and partners. Unknowingly or knowingly, how can we be held accountable for things we don't know. If we are subconsciously running on autopilot out of our freeze and fawn response, it's because we fear man. We end up depressed, anxious, suicidal... We seek therapy, trying to "solve" ourselves. We never wonder if "maybe it's them, not me" - in my case I constantly gaslit myself by asking myself "what is wrong with me for putting up with this" - I bullied myself. I sided with abusive men! Why don't abusive men ever take ownership of their abuse? They never see the extent of their damage. They are never held accountable. Because we are made to feel like we are overreacting, like we should FORGIVE THEM, like we are wrong... And we let ourselves dojwn in order to idolize them. It's a vicious cycle. It NEEDS TO END. WE NEED TO SEE MORE MEN OWNING UP TO THEIR ABUSE! 

They can do so, but it has to be their choice to REPENT. If they're not going to truly repent - and turn their life over to Jesus - in which case Jesus WILL make sure they are held accountable for any abuse... Then we need to file complaints of domestic violence. Truly, I believe this is what God is calling us to do in order to heal our souls, to free us of past burdens, to have these men in a space where they are being reformed, getting counselling, and then perhaps  finally, repenting and being counseled by the Holy spirit. God hates abuse. He hates evil. Please remember this if you're in a traumatic marriage. 

*****

I was indoctrinated to be fearful:

For me, I feared anyone taller than me. I feared yelling. I feared violence. I feared discipline. I feared making mistakes. I feared being watched. I feared saying NO. I feared all men.

How did I react when I was in a state of fear? Flight... I'd run or go for long walks. This was my method of feeling free, away from danger. As a child this resulted in further danger, being alone on the streets.

If I couldn't flee, I'd freeze and fawn. Acquiesce. Obey. Follow instructions. It's as if a switch went off, and I became a little girl again. A 12 year old little girl who had to unwillingly give herself over to her abuser. Subconsciously this little girl was buried within me, deeply wounded. She is autistic, highly sensitive, and my harsh way of speaking to her never helped her. She needs LOVE, KINDNESS, GENTLENESS and TENDERNESS.

I chose my partners based on their ability and willingness to protect me. This made me treat them as my IDOL. I became addicted to them. Drawn to their aggression. I believed that they would never treat me the way they treated others. I made myself believe I was different, I could soften them. This wasn't reality. I was prone to false beliefs, Maladaptive daydreaming, splitting reality and make believe. I truly was good at pretending, ignoring red flags, feeling sorry for them, convincing myself that we're both just so passionate about each other, he really cares about me that's why he gets so mad, but it was my little girl in freeze mode, trying to make them happy, trying trying trying....... All for this unrealistic relationship that existed in Disney movies, songs and inside my mind. This wasn't reciprocal love. This wasn't even real love at all. This was an addiction to a person. It's infatuation on steroids. It's a desperate need for a caregiver, a mother, a father.... Because I never felt WANTED. I never felt a sense of BELONGING. I never felt secure and safe, always hypervigilant and monitoring everyone's moods. 

It feels like love. But... Love is patient, kind, and gentle. This wasn't that. This was chaos. This was what my childhood home felt like. My nerves constantly on edge. Coping mechanisms, stims, addictions..... All self medicating. 

When we are brought up in an environment where we are programmed, indoctrinated, brainwashed to fear men... Its no wonder we have such a toxic view of God as our Father. 

Our men are not leading our homes in the ways of Christ, the way that God intended. This is why women and children are feeling so unsafe, lost, confused, lonely... We have no biblical role models who are showing us what it truly feels like to be divinely taken care of. Everything is now completely lopsided and out of order. Men... Turn to Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Repent. Change your way of thinking. Pray fervently asking God to guide you to all truth, and HE WILL!!! 

The Lord your God knows all of your bloodline and generational curses. He alone can let you know what you've unknowingly allowed into your life, what you've legally given Satan the rights to. The kingdom of darkness knows exactly how they may access you. Soul ties and trauma bonds - its through our wounds that demons enter. It's up to us to ask God for divine wisdom in order to see what we need to see. He will give us the prayers to break us free. This is why we CANNOT turn to other methods of healing. We end up opening the door to invisible forces of darkness, and we wonder why we cannot connect with God. We wonder why we can't hear Him. He wants to be your only source of comfort, your only means of gaining insight. Be it by prayer, Bible reading, or sitting in His presence. If you have asked Him into your life, He's communicating with you. Are you listening? 

Important Video links:

Overcome the spirit of Rejection 

https://www.youtube.com/live/4ON-WfAYbOs?si=zYoOGAUvlUmwH-1R

10 gaslighting signs in an abusive relationship

https://youtu.be/As_8Bb0bVNY?si=8CogSVkKbXSKb124

Relationship violence warning signs

https://youtu.be/CIfF2ri09FI?si=3TEGQpSlr4vw17Uu

10 relationship red flags of abuse

https://youtu.be/_RqXZL93kyQ?si=5tOeMjPHPHi9lgyr

10 signs you're being manipulated

https://youtu.be/kZRXoa8xqw8?si=Jf-8FLPuiM6dHfPd

Deliverance | Curses and demons from trusting in man

https://youtu.be/nfw_RsqJFK0?si=O7SK5slqUAeIjNoI

Stop listening to the devils lies | YOU ARE FREE

https://youtu.be/D8_fgPFQvgk?si=s0_2W2GVLj3Ujxx5

Words to learn:

Schizoid personality

Limerance

Highly sensitive person 

Maladaptive daydreaming 

Depersonalization 

Derealization 

Gaslighting

Manipulation 

Narcissistic personality disorder 

Soul ties

Internal (quiet) Borderline Personality Disorder : https://youtu.be/t_6fBwGE_Ls?si=eOihl2V1r2PxShTA

Trauma bond : https://youtu.be/XQzE67grL20?si=9mSsEQm0LMiuud0s

There's a deliverance minister on YouTube, Noah Hines. His videos list all the kingdom of darkness spirits. My advice for you is to listen to these videos, as they explain what the spirit is, its name, how it may have entered, and what its hold is on you.

God says His people perish from a lack of knowledge, therefore learning about these spirits is important. Let's clean up the 👻evil within us, and within our 🩸bloodline. I am given the visualization of the concrete whitewash videos. That's how I imagine it looks like when we are participating in deliverance with God. 🙏