My first narcissist : My father

It has taken me a long time to place my finger on the very thing that was evident ALL MY LIFE, so close up that I couldn't see it.

Being in a space where it's become easy to spot, it makes this a very difficult walk for me, having to live in his house, having to expect him to pay for my water and electricity and food. Having to come to terms with him coercing my mother, controlling her with finances and transport. It's absolutely hideous to witness. I don't want him to get away with it. I want my mother free from his clutches. However, this is not my portion. Not right now, but there's Hope.

My curse of self rejection began as a baby. He wanted me to be a boy. To believe that this didn't affect my soul is naive. On a subconscious level I was born afraid to be a girl. I was born a disappointment. 

I felt this on a visceral level when, every time I heard him speak of my birth, I'd hear him tell people how he had chosen my name. Gareth Edward. He never boasted about my actual name. He hadn't chosen it. I learned this later on in life : if it wasn't his way, his choice... It wasn't worth his time. I wasn't worth his time. 

As a little girl, desperate to please her dad and to receive any form of attention because her mother was incapable of love or nurture, he showed me a very one-sided, selfish love. It was his way, or the highway. His choice in movies. His choice to spend time with us watching movies, instead of bonding with us and getting to know us. It was his interest : movies and actors and actresses. Somehow it merged, and it became mine, too. He took us to the drive in. He hired movies every Sunday to watch as a family. 

This sounds like a fun time. And I thought it was. Until I realized that it was always about him. It was always his movie choices. If I was ever given the priveledge of choosing a movie, I would choose something feel good, wholesome, Child friendly... And it would be announced as the movie began that it was my choice, and I'd be shamed because it would end up being a B-Grade movie, a load of crap. So the next time I chose a movie, it was based on his preferences, not mine. And this is how you condition your child to distrust her own choices. You shame her. WHY did I feel such a desperate need to please HIM? What had made him so special? It turns out that narcissistic behaviour is like a cult system. So my allegiance was to the leader of our family cult. I knew he made all the decisions. He was the boss. He was my "God" - because he also never taught us about Jesus. This is why I need to remember to give myself grace. 

I was 8 years old when I watched The Exorcist... MORE THAN ONCE. His preferred genre was horror. 

I was brought up watching Halloween, Poltergeist, Amityville, Hammer house of Horror, Friday 13th, Freddy Kruger, and many many others. I was also a very nervous girl who wet her bed daily. Nobody blamed it on fear. Instead I was called lazy, disgusting, because "you just lie in bed and wee because you're too lazy to go to the toilet". No amount of stars on my chart helped. The truth is that I was petrified to leave my bed, yes. If I managed to sleep through the night, I considered it a bonus. The wet sheets, though, was a major inconvenience and an embarrassment. I hadn't chosen it. But there were nights where I remember being in fear. Frozen. If I moved, the boogeyman would kill me. So, I couldn't move. I had no choice but to shut my eyes and pray for sleep. I learned to stay extremely still. Even on top of my wet sheets. There were nights where I was freezing, I'd lie shivering. But I couldn't move, or I'd be killed. Only if there was daylight would it be safe again. Or if someone else was awake. This fear of being alone, fear of the dark was programed into my psyche until I was 46 years old. 

Hearing my dad talk about women, I realize now that he's completely sexist and mysogynistic. He has ZERO respect for women, and sees them only as valuable if he NEEDS them. He needs my sister's partner because of her ability to please him, therefore she offers to do some driving for him. She's useful... To him. 

He values my sister because she boils him some eggs, or she chats to him about movies, actors and actresses. He talks to my other sisters because they send him money. He doesn't talk to me. 

**********

He has little respect for other men. 

Why? 

Because other men don't bow down to him. Except other men who believe the lies about him. Like my cousin who calls him "the legend" - and I would love to know what makes him a legend???? 

... The way he's always considered himself better than my mother? 

... The way he used to moan and complain about having to work for a living? 

... The way he calls other successful men "assholes" because they are more well off than he is? 

... Or the way he disrespects other men if they don't idolize him. My brother in law is an "asshole" - and when I confronted him on it he lashed out at me. The truth is I'm not scared of his retaliation. 

He's a mean, nasty, spiteful, narcissistic man who believes he somehow displays an advanced level of intelligence. 

He brags that someone once told him he belongs in Mensa. 

... Or is it because he's enjoying his early retirement, because he spends his time from 4am until 6pm every single day in front of his TV, with an occasional weekly visit to the shop to buy his own treats and alcohol? 

... Is it because he's trained my mother to believe it's her job to caretake him because that's her only worth. 

... Is it because he's been practicing the art of weaponized incompetence to make it look like he's incapable of fixing or cleaning or phoning or learning anything new in order to stay seated in his chair all day long? This passive aggressive behaviour is learned and deliberate! 

... Is it because the only person of value to him is the only other male in the house who has been trained to idolize him? 

I see it all. 

He's a meanspirited, cold hearted man who has nothing of value to offer others. He didn't teach us anything. 

Riding a bike? Skating? Sport? Driving a car? What skills did he teach us? Truth is he never gave up any of his time for us. He never watched our plays or concerts. He did the VERY MINIMUM, and expected the respect. 

Women are worthless in his eyes, unless they're attractive. 

We are pathetic. We are hormonal. We are objects. 

When He lashes out at me, his own daughter who is 51 years old, he's MEAN. And there's NEVER EVER an acknowledgement of hurt, or an apology. 

He's a full blown narcissist who has actually worked his way into psychopathy in my books. 

If an old friend or family member dies or falls ill it's not about them... Its about him and how nobody told him. 

I didn't know Z was sick. Nobody told me. He was my best friend and nobody told me. (Make it make sense. If he was your friend, you should be in contact with him. Why must someone serve you all the time?)  He has no friends. They were all family members who enjoyed drinking together. Now he won't visit them. He waits for them to visit him. 

I'm not afraid of him... However... I believe that the Lord has helped me in guarding my heart. I spent a lifetime trying to please that man... And for what reason? He's not cared if I live or die. He describes me as boring... Why? Because I avoid him. I don't idolize him. I see through him. Therefore I am of no value to him. Whatsoever. 

I cannot love a man who has been violent with my drunk mother. 

I'm not picking sides, but when it comes to bullying and dominance - anyone who displays such foul behaviour is at fault in my book. While my own mother bullied and dominated me, she was being bullied and dominated by him. She has a mental illness which doesn't excuse her abuse - but it does explain it. And as hard as it was being bullied and dominated and hurt by my own mother... She didn't know she was sick. 

But I can't say the same for him. 

He kept her sick. 

He held her captive. 

And therefore he held us, his 4 daughters, captive. 

And he made it look like he was innocent, just doing his job, providing for us. 

No. He knew she'd forget things that happened when she was drunk. Instead of getting her real help, he took advantage of her illness and her inability to tolerate alcohol. He used it for his own personal gain. 

I see it clearly now. 

He knows nobody else will tolerate him. His laziness. His financial control. His control. It's his car, she must ask permission. It's his money. It's his house. It's his pension. He has ALL THE POWER. 

Its sickening. 

Can men be the ones who experience domestic abuse? Yes. But it comes down to this... Who excerpted the most power and control in the relationship? In this case.. It was him. His temper and anger and rage and his drunkenness. His sexual advances on her. He had the power and control. 

**********

He was never a DAD. He was never a GRAND-DAD. He left it all up to us to please him. He complains, and we jump. Did we tell him to retire early? Did we tell him to live in a large house with a swimming pool? He's too lazy to change anything. So instead, my mother has no choice but to caretake him, the pool, the house and more. He doesn't care about her. Not one bit. He only cares that she stay alive to serve him. 

He never saw me. He only saw my husband. 

He never saw me. He only saw my weight. 

He never saw me. He only saw my age. 

He never saw me. He only saw what I could offer him. 

And because I've learned that I don't need him to see me anymore, that he is a manipulative, condescending, bully who hates women... I don't care to see him! 

I pray for the day when I can get my mother away from him and into a place that will provide care for her 24/7. Because in HIS mind she won't enjoy it. No. That's not true. It's what he's trying to force me to believe. It's not true. He's scared that I succeed. Because then... Who will caretake him? 

Growing up, I saw gender based violence from my uncles towards my aunts all the time! 

I'm done. 

Lord, you see all. I hand him over to you. I've tried my best, I've overextended myself when I know it wasn't my portion. He's used and abused me long enough. Please take this anger and hatred from me, lord. I place it at your feet. 

....... The right way to deal with this, in order for justice to take place, would be to file a case of domestic abuse. It's not so much about what she will get out of it, it's more for him to become humiliated. That's what will need to happen to restore human dignity of abused women. It's the righteous way.