Sexual abuse trauma : Healing

 I didn't know how extremely important it is for people to receive counselling for sexual trauma.

Whether you are Christian or not, it's absolutely vital to get a clear understanding of how this kind of wounding - EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL TRAUMATIZED BY IT - leaves a very confused, often minimized sense of self in its wake. 

I was affected even though I didn't know. I had subconsciously changed my entire being. I had deep rooted, damaging core beliefs. It manifested in my life in a way that changed my entire existence. Everything became tainted:



Food : sugar and carbs became an emotional crutch

Food : if I was seen eating I felt like a "pig" so I only ate in secret

Food : became a fixation and a means to control and punish myself

Cigarettes and Alcohol : became my only means of calming my nervous system and feeling less "awkward". I believe smoking, for me, was my biggest stim. 

Masturbation : I didn't realize until recently, that Masturbation and / or constant arousal was a symptom of sexual abuse. I assumed I had a sex addiction but was "broken" because I couldn't enjoy the act of sex. Arousal can, as it turns out, be a stim. A pleasure seeking activity to rid the body of nervousness. A stand-in for self soothing. It doesn't mean that what you are thinking about is what you're wanting to experience, often after sexual trauma your thoughts are intrusive, invasive and disturbing. For me these disturbing thoughts were mistaken for sexual fantasy, when they were causing distress. 

Relationships : I believed that my worth was my body and that sex was love. This affected all of my relationships. I didn't know how to be a friend, because my partner had to be by my side 100% of the day. If he wasn't with me, we were texting each other. He was my "special person" I had been brainwashed to believe I couldn't live without a man. 

Clothing : I dressed like a 12 year old emo girl. I dressed like Britney Spears. I dressed like Madonna. As long as it showed off my body, I'd wear it. I gaslit myself into NOT BEING COLD when I was freezing. I couldn't wear a coat, it would cover up my only value. I squeezed into jeans too tight, and I yelled at myself for having rolls of loose skin above the waist. My clothing HAD to show off my body, but also had to hide my cellulite, rolls, stretch marks and flabby arms. It became exhausting. 

Body dysmorphia : a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about perceived flaws in their appearance. Rolls, scars, blemishes. The level of self rejection I put myself through was abusive. I reached expert level at finding fault with myself. Every visit to the toilet was followed by a makeup and hair touch-up. I carried my bag with me for this reason. If anyone pinpointed anything about my weight, rolls, flabby arms, cellulite, Grey hair, wrinkles, scars... I would lash out at myself, and it would cause me to hate myself more. I spent most of my time trying to walk straight up, shoulders back, stomach tucked in. I wouldn't sit down if my rolls showed. I wouldn't run if my cellulite showed. I wouldn't swim if I was feeling self conscious about wearing a costume. My life was inhibited. I couldn't relax. I was petrified that my partner would leave me if he noticed any of these flaws. 

Gender dysphoria : this could be the result of biological factors, psychological factors or environmental issues. Real hormonal imbalances. Childhood trauma, neglect. A feeling of unsafety. Rejection. Discrimination and social pressures. All of these factors could be contributing to my feeling of "thinking like a man", feeling like a male trapped in a female body. While I know that's not how God made me, I had real struggles with this. 

Arrested development : I was assaulted at age 12. I stayed there developmentally. All my life I realize I felt scared, shy, timid around people. This explains it. I got my confidence from the way that I looked. If I felt comfortable with my surroundings, then I would relax enough to enjoy myself. Otherwise it took a lot of alcohol. I never measured up to other women, so I stayed close to the men because they didn't judge me the way women did. It was my own perceived stigma, I unconsciously believed that women were weak, lesser than men.

I learned a LOT about how much damage sexual trauma can cause, but I also believe that schizophrenia and autism had a lot to do with the severity. 



Sexual abuse and God's healing power 

Gods grace through child sexual abuse

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My answered prayer : It's Narcissistic abuse

Image
 I was on my Sunday walk, when I prayed a prayer that God answered. The way that He works is miraculous. God is indeed so good. Even when He delivers messages to us that we have been too fearful to see.   Honestly, knowing that the living God sees and hears me, wants relationship with me, cares about me... Its hard to digest. But I know the truth. I know He lives inside of my heart, and I inside of His. I know that He's the one leading me down a path of righteousness. It's all Him. I know that He's available to all who seek Him. It's not just me, I don't think of myself as the "only one" . I think of myself as the "willing one".  My prayer, on this particular Sunday was full of sadness, despair, pain. I journalled it: I prayed to the Lord and I broke down in tears. I felt so sad, lonely, heartbroken, scared, alone, confused, hurt, misunderstood, ignored, left for dead. I cried out to God, asking for help. When I got home from my walk, I opened m...
Read more

Why am I a woman?

Image
I feel like I don't know why God created women.  Was it for us to keep quiet and produce children?  Then when we have children, was it to take care of them without any guidance or support? To stay slim and pretty and grateful for what man calls love, but God calls abuse?  Men seem to be the head and women the tail.  Why is God a man... And why did he create women if He, Himself, needs no woman. All this makes no sense and I don't know HOW to be the woman He wants. I just want people to be more GENTLE. Everyone in my life has been so hard, strong, unemotional, men who take what they want, and do what they want, and speak how they want.  I used to fantasize about being with women. I think it was my longing for kindness, gentleness - a mother figure. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. While it may be a sin, its because I didn't enjoy the harshness of men. My own mind believed that men should be more feminine. I believe this is trauma related, due to a ...
Read more

An answered prayer : Why I'm not healed

Image
 Ever since the year 2020 I have known that I have suffered with schizophrenia. While God delivered me from the demons that were causing psychosis, and therefore I no longer hear the voices, I'm still suffering from the negative affects of this illness, ie. Depression, suicidal ideation, amnesia, headaches, split personalities, anhedonia (lack of pleasure), isolation, maladaptive daydreaming, loneliness to name a few. Yesterday, while in the shower, I was crying. I was crying because of loneliness and a feeling of despair. I'm not living a good life, my mental health is suffering, my right shoulder is in pain as well as my feet. I can't recall the name of the feet issue, it stems from when I did meal deliveries, I was on my feet over 14 hours every day. They now have nerve sensitivities and they pain when I walk. This means it's absolutely vital for me to keep my weight in check, and since I quit smoking I've been gaining weight. I started off at 40kgs which was due...
Read more