Chaos To Christ

 Some of us have been tied to this spirit since we were inside our mother's womb. It began when we were "meant to be a boy" - and because we have been fearfully and wonderfully made by God - we should know that our gender was the intended gender. By God's design. But for some of us who were created differently, highly sensitive and gifted with an ability to feel into others, we are predisposed to self rejection. The feeling of being rejected is HARSH. I was born 2 months premature to a dysfunctional family of narcissists. A mother with schizophrenia, too. Domestic violence and a loveless marriage where they HATE each other, Alcoholism, narcissistic indoctrination and emotional / Psychological abuse... The devil was at work right from the start. I felt rejected because I'm a girl. I felt rejected because I was born premature by 2 months, I felt rejected because I didn't have nurturing parents, I felt rejected because I wasn't breastfed, I felt rejected beca...

  I renounce and rebuke it all, Lord. Cult-practices do not encourage critical thinking, but instead create a hive mindset. I understand your commandments, and I understand that these created an open door, giving the devil a foothold. Only you can cleanse my spirit and my soul, with the blood of Jesus. I repent, and I thank you for your forgiveness, Lord. Your word KEEPS US SAFE, unlike these principles and books which promote the occult and witchcraft. 

 To my autistic, highly sensitive, intense younger self. I hope this post makes sense to you, as I'm long-winded and struggle with keeping things simple! Well well well, I never ever would have guessed that I would be in a position to not only be able to offer you really good wisdom, but also Godly wisdom, truth, clarity and really great advice - and an understanding about who you really are and how you are going to make a difference in the world. Also, I want you to know something... The version of you that you're hiding inside, away from this cruel and uncaring world? That's you. That's really you. Instead of hiding her INSIDE, learn to BE her more, OK. That's who God really created you to be, and that's who HE LOVES . Though the world doesn't understand or know you, I truly want you to know that she's all that matters . She doesn't need to fear man. I know they can look and be scary, but you don't need to gain their approval, you don't ...

 There's a downside to experiencing a divine encounter with the Lord. Perhaps it's something that not many people bring to the light, falsely resulting in a sense of seperation and angst; We believe that life gets better, immediately. Lies .  Do a deep dive into the stories of other born again believers, and you will find truth.  For me, oh wow, but I assumed that I'd share my story and everyone would trust me and feel loved by God and would face their own demons and would turn from sin and would thank me and would learn from me and would buy a Bible and would be happy and spread love and everything would change for the better, souls would be saved, demons would flee, and that's my happily ever after I had been believing in all my life. My children would be saved and would turn to Jesus. My husband would repent, get saved, and we could walk into our newfound way of righteousness, wholeness and health, as Christ intended.  When the Lord lifted His Holy Spirit off me t...

  It's complicated! Chapter 1 This Is my story. The name says it all. I needed to come up with a way to break it all up into bite size pieces. I truly hope that this does it justice... Not necessarily my story, but the reality and the nowness of our living God.  A few years ago I decided to dive into self help. I dived in by googling "Am I toxic"? Google started listing my traits and characteristics one after another, a long list of them, all visible and as clear as daylight - which peaked my already increasing anxiety. This leads me to the question I've been struggling with, which is "How did I not know?"  It was made very clear and very apparent that the man I was married to was also "toxic and dysfunctional" because our life partner is, ultimately, who we (in our broken state, our unhealed state, our fallen state, our survival state) have attracted . Again, this brought my anxiety through the roof. This kind of information was tough to swallow...

I'm hiding. I'm hiding behind a mask. A mask that shows a false front. A mask that lists and details all my past actions and behaviors, which was me, playing roles. You see, if you think long and hard enough about my past, you might notice some things that would otherwise have gone unnoticed. To a regular person who only sees me now and then, the smile and the silliness, that was me covering up my insecurities. The scripted speech, the jokes and the light banter... Was me, quoting music lyrics and movie scenes and repeating phrases from the past that I heard or came up with that was funny. It's not that I never had thoughts of my own... Its that these thoughts were ignored, pushed away and suppressed. So, who did you see? The version of me who flaunted her body? The version of me who was timid, awkward and shy? The extroverted, loud me? The quiet, workaholic me who could sit for hours, obsessed by perfecting, again, that one spreadsheet that really didn't matter but h...