It's complicated! (Chapter 1)

 It's complicated! Chapter 1

This Is my story. The name says it all. I needed to come up with a way to break it all up into bite size pieces. I truly hope that this does it justice... Not necessarily my story, but the reality and the nowness of our living God. 

A few years ago I decided to dive into self help. I dived in by googling "Am I toxic"? Google started listing my traits and characteristics one after another, a long list of them, all visible and as clear as daylight - which peaked my already increasing anxiety. This leads me to the question I've been struggling with, which is "How did I not know?" 

It was made very clear and very apparent that the man I was married to was also "toxic and dysfunctional" because our life partner is, ultimately, who we (in our broken state, our unhealed state, our fallen state, our survival state) have attracted. Again, this brought my anxiety through the roof. This kind of information was tough to swallow. Even though it was almost unbelievable for my brain, I made it about me. I had heard, in the self help industry, that we "attract what we are" 

 I googled "why am I attracting toxic men" 

I believe that this deep dive into the why... This desire and this craving, this need to know appealed to my desire and desperation to be free. To be free from the toxicity and the bondage and the anxiety and to finally not need to cling so desperately to another human being. I was desperate to be free from the darkness I was in. I was tired and confused and this was a tiredness that was not human. I felt like I was 300 years old, that I had lived too long in bondage, that I felt trapped and stuck, that I was living life inside hell. Psychology and human behaviour became my new favorite thing, and I dived in deep. I ripped myself apart by labeling my flaws and pinpointing my darkness and I brought things into the light that I never imagined were from me. I learned things about myself that I'm ashamed of, that I wish were not true. I saw things in others that were not good, and, most importantly, after learning about all these things, I knew that I needed to change, to transform, to become better, to be a better version of me, to be a better mother for my children. I wanted, more than anything in my life, to finally jump off the hamster wheel of addictions, arguments, confusion, depression and anxiety. 

 So, I did what I had never done before. I called out to God. 

Not only did God show me His existence, but He went a step further, and He showed me a level of unconditional love that I yearned and craved for all my life. He warmed up my broken, crushed heart. He made it glow with an exquisite sense of love. This feeling gradually spread over my entire body. I felt 100% held, comforted, nurtured and protected for the very first time in my life and I wanted to stay like that, curled up in His glory and His grace, forever. 

As I lay huddled in a ball, crying and soaking up His love, I realized for the very first time in my life, that God is real. Jesus is real. The Holy Spirit exists today, as He did then. 

HE IS REAL.