Spirit of Rejection

 Some of us have been tied to this spirit since we were inside our mother's womb. It began when we were "meant to be a boy" - and because we have been fearfully and wonderfully made by God - we should know that our gender was the intended gender. By God's design. But for some of us who were created differently, highly sensitive and gifted with an ability to feel into others, we are predisposed to self rejection. The feeling of being rejected is HARSH.

I was born 2 months premature to a dysfunctional family of narcissists. A mother with schizophrenia, too. Domestic violence and a loveless marriage where they HATE each other, Alcoholism, narcissistic indoctrination and emotional / Psychological abuse... The devil was at work right from the start.

I felt rejected because I'm a girl. I felt rejected because I was born premature by 2 months, I felt rejected because I didn't have nurturing parents, I felt rejected because I wasn't breastfed, I felt rejected because I was spoonfed from birth, I felt rejected because I feared both my mother and my father. 

This was just the beginning. 


This brought upon me heaps of self rejection which I didn't know I had. This spirit is sneaky. It runs in the background, yet our choices in life stem from this unconscious program. Every decision we make comes from this invisible demon. Like a deep, dark shadow that follows us around, lurking in the corners and the crevices of our psyche. This program begins with one fear, one doubt, that spirals out into every single choice and decision that we make. "I'm wrong" made me doubt every single decision I ever made, so much so that I completely denied who God designed me to be and I linked up with people who told me who I was. I denied myself - including my instincts, and my ability to think critically... Every part of me was a fake, false, self. I suppressed and repressed the real me. This one belief RULED MY LIFE. 


God made me, you did not, Satan. Yet you lied to me. You got your foot into my life, right from the start. Do you want to know what I will say at my life review? I will say that you had me fooled all my life, that you tried to destroy me and everything I touched, that you assumed you had me, that my soul was yours. You had me so scared of becoming like my mother that you made sure I followed her pathway of self rejection, you snuck into my mind in the form of mental illness making me believe all of your lies... You made me believe you! You had me split up and fragment, slowly becoming a shadow of who God made me to be, further hating and denying myself over and over, but what you didn't count on was that my God is more wise, kind, forgiving, understanding, compassionate and full of grace for those who have been oppressed in this life, and turning towards Him is my saving grace for eternity. Your way brings darkness and chaos - I've had enough of that throughout my life! 



I will say that you didn't know how powerful and wonderful God is. That if He touches our heart for a second, it's a second we never forget. Meeting Him in this lifetime was my saving grace. My turnaround. I choose Him. Over anything and everything you can offer me. I will chose Him over and over again. You made me believe that it was too late, that God said I was too far gone. You lied. He found a way, every single time, to reach me in my darkness. He promises to turn it all around, to take what you intended for evil, and He will use it for good. He is a God of His word. He NEVER lies. Otherwise I would never truly trust Him or know Him or have faith in Him. He wants RELATIONSHIP with us... Today. Now. He's waiting. 



I choose to believe that even though my parents wanted a boy, God made me. A girl. I am not their rejection, I am a daughter of the most High. 

**Lord, I repent for believing that men are more valuable than women. I repent for wishing to be a man. I'm truly sorry for denying who YOU said I am. I repent for allowing non-believers to have so much influence in my life. I'm sorry for believing that being born a girl meant that I am to serve men, that I had no other value. I repent, Lord, for placing my husband as the first in my life, as my idol, even above you, Lord.  



I choose to believe that I am, indeed, fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not too much, too caring, too soft, too emotional, or too crazy. Having "special needs" placed me in a position of complete helplessness to my parents, and it's not my fault that they didn't know how to care-take me. This created within me a further sense of being "wrong" - and I repent for this, Lord.


I choose to believe that I have been adopted into His Kingdom, and if God is for me... Who can be against me?



I choose to believe that, through fasting and prayer, God can reset my brain and my gut health, because He dwells inside of me now that I have been Born Again. My body is HIS temple!


 

I choose to believe that the spirit of rejection WAS running my life, but I can now choose to reject, renounce, rebuke it. I can pray for God to show me who He says that I am. I can listen for His answer. 


I choose to believe that I can pick up my cross and follow Him daily, that being rejected by this world is no longer a fear of mine because I am a child of God. 

I choose to believe that the holy Bible is God's truth. That Jesus is our way, truth and life. That in christ I am strengthened, and that in my walk with Him, He will straighten my path. He will guide me. He will light up my way. He will lead me to my purpose. He will offer me unconditional love. Nothing else mnatters to me, no person, family member, TV show, popstar, false idols, false religions, feel good moments of temporary pleasures, none of it. Because I'm here to show the world nothing. I'm here to be a beacon of light... For our creator. 


I choose to believe that God is the great Jehovah Rapha, the "Lord who Heals us" - Exodus 15 : 26 and He is with us in our suffering, leading us on the right path towards our righteousness, our salvation, our wholeness and our soul restoration. Are we listening?

I have lived my whole life feeling WRONG. NOT ANY MORE. I am walking on my path of salvation, together with Jesus Christ. So, today I say to Satan:

"Get behind me, Satan. You are a stumbling block to me. For you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men!" - Matthew 16 : 23


Jesus has given me the right to trample on snakes and scorpions, and to overcome all the power of the enemy. Nothing will harm me! - Luke 10 : 19

Amen!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My answered prayer : It's Narcissistic abuse

Image
 I was on my Sunday walk, when I prayed a prayer that God answered. The way that He works is miraculous. God is indeed so good. Even when He delivers messages to us that we have been too fearful to see.   Honestly, knowing that the living God sees and hears me, wants relationship with me, cares about me... Its hard to digest. But I know the truth. I know He lives inside of my heart, and I inside of His. I know that He's the one leading me down a path of righteousness. It's all Him. I know that He's available to all who seek Him. It's not just me, I don't think of myself as the "only one" . I think of myself as the "willing one".  My prayer, on this particular Sunday was full of sadness, despair, pain. I journalled it: I prayed to the Lord and I broke down in tears. I felt so sad, lonely, heartbroken, scared, alone, confused, hurt, misunderstood, ignored, left for dead. I cried out to God, asking for help. When I got home from my walk, I opened m...
Read more

Why am I a woman?

Image
I feel like I don't know why God created women.  Was it for us to keep quiet and produce children?  Then when we have children, was it to take care of them without any guidance or support? To stay slim and pretty and grateful for what man calls love, but God calls abuse?  Men seem to be the head and women the tail.  Why is God a man... And why did he create women if He, Himself, needs no woman. All this makes no sense and I don't know HOW to be the woman He wants. I just want people to be more GENTLE. Everyone in my life has been so hard, strong, unemotional, men who take what they want, and do what they want, and speak how they want.  I used to fantasize about being with women. I think it was my longing for kindness, gentleness - a mother figure. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. While it may be a sin, its because I didn't enjoy the harshness of men. My own mind believed that men should be more feminine. I believe this is trauma related, due to a ...
Read more

An answered prayer : Why I'm not healed

Image
 Ever since the year 2020 I have known that I have suffered with schizophrenia. While God delivered me from the demons that were causing psychosis, and therefore I no longer hear the voices, I'm still suffering from the negative affects of this illness, ie. Depression, suicidal ideation, amnesia, headaches, split personalities, anhedonia (lack of pleasure), isolation, maladaptive daydreaming, loneliness to name a few. Yesterday, while in the shower, I was crying. I was crying because of loneliness and a feeling of despair. I'm not living a good life, my mental health is suffering, my right shoulder is in pain as well as my feet. I can't recall the name of the feet issue, it stems from when I did meal deliveries, I was on my feet over 14 hours every day. They now have nerve sensitivities and they pain when I walk. This means it's absolutely vital for me to keep my weight in check, and since I quit smoking I've been gaining weight. I started off at 40kgs which was due...
Read more