From Self Rejection to God Acceptance!

 To my autistic, highly sensitive, intense younger self. I hope this post makes sense to you, as I'm long-winded and struggle with keeping things simple!

Well well well, I never ever would have guessed that I would be in a position to not only be able to offer you really good wisdom, but also Godly wisdom, truth, clarity and really great advice - and an understanding about who you really are and how you are going to make a difference in the world.

Also, I want you to know something...

The version of you that you're hiding inside, away from this cruel and uncaring world? That's you. That's really you. Instead of hiding her INSIDE, learn to BE her more, OK. That's who God really created you to be, and that's who HE LOVES. Though the world doesn't understand or know you, I truly want you to know that she's all that matters. She doesn't need to fear man. I know they can look and be scary, but you don't need to gain their approval, you don't need to do what they want, you don't need to be scared of them. Not if you're in relationship with God. He will protect and guide you. He will be your first love.

He will never call you "too sensitive" or tell you to "get over it" or to "move on" - because He knows how you're wired. He MADE you that way!

The world will make you into a jack of all trades. This isn't the right way for you. They are different from you. You were created with a SPECIFIC skill set. Creativity, understanding of those who have special needs - knowing that they have unique gifts to offer the world - not trying to force them into the world, allowing them to excel in their given gift, helping them see that it's enough! Less is more for neuro-divergents.

We are not to force them into schools, into churches, into sports, into cars, into shopping malls, or into a lifestyle that is the OPPOSITE of what they need. 

Your goal in life is to develop this skill set and to use it to bring glory to God, and to help other autistic children believe they are NOT A BURDEN. They are more than their looks. Their body is a sacred space and it's not someone else's playground.  

Anything else is extra. Don't let the world convince you that you have to be good at everything. It's a lie. It's a distraction. 

One thing to remember: you absorb others energy, and you easily chameleon into your surroundings, causing you to blend and copy others. This is done unconsciously, for acceptance, because they will call you crazy, awkward, strange, weird. Let them. Don't be like them. God didn't create you for that. Trust me.

You will spend your whole life looking for love in all the wrong places because your childhood was so stressful and you were forever misunderstood, causing you to reject yourself. You believed that if you were less YOU and more like them, you wouldn't be bullied. This isn't true. Their ability to mold you outweighed your ability to stay "sensitive and intense" - believing you were wrong, different, a problem to solve, an alien, awkward, bad, useless. Love will find you. You don't need to seek it out. God will send you the right people, the ones who will understand you and truly love the real you. 

Don't try to prove yourself to others. You were created to feel into their emotions, yes. This was in order for you to help them, by praying for them, by asking God for solutions for them. Not to get lost inside them. Develop your boundaries, and ask God for His help often. He hears your every thought, which is why I'm so wise now. You were created with a mind that can detect and solve problems. But know this...it can be misused. It's not for you to change people. It's not for you to view them as projects. You see the end result, but you fail to grasp that people have free will, and they also have their demons. You can't change people, only God can. So, who you choose to spend time with should promote peace, calm, joy, love. The lifestyle that would suit you well is like that of the Amish. The world cares about things like family, friends, entertainment, Hollywood, fashion, outer beauty, sex and pleasure, festivities, shopping, food, hobbies and sports, houses and gadgets. These things? They're never to be placed in front of God. Never. Seek first the Kingdom of God, and these things may or may not become part of your journey.. According to God's will, not according to your own lustful beliefs and desires. Picture living your life according to His design... What perfection!! Seek Him. 

They will make fun of you. Let them. They will make you believe you've got it all wrong. Let them. They are suffering. They just hide it well. You, you be you. You learn to love the you that God created, not the you that the world molded. Your earthly dad may have asked for a boy, but know this...God designed a girl. God knows better. Trust God.

Choose the Bible for wisdom. Read it over and over, for each time you will learn something new. Avoid self help books.. The Bible is all you need. 

Choose gospel music. Secular music contains demonic influence. Secular music was how you learned to fantasize. Secular music made you hear things that you never should have heard at such a young age. You took these lyrics to heart, and your personality shifted according to the music you listened to or the artist.  Being an autistic who rejected yourself made you very susceptible to outside influence of all kind! It's very important that you put God first and foremost in your life, and you allow Him to shape you into His intention for your life, not the worlds view.  

Choose Christian podcasts or shows. Secular movies and TV contains demonic influence. You spent your life copying sitcoms, especially American sitcoms where the plots were all the same. You watched movies about Americans and College - which revolved around sex. You mistook this for real life. Your fantasy life revolved around movie characters, and your personality shifted based on your fantasies.  As an autistic who was unconsciously rejecting herself, you struggled all throughout your life to find a sense of belonging within your own body. You truly believed that you would have died if you showed the world your true self, because a part of your soul longed to be a boy. Perhaps this is what you believed would have earned you more respect from your earthly father, and would have caused less bullying from peers.   

Avoid any and all forms of witchcraft, ie. gossip, slander, astrology, astronomy, magic, star signs, birth stones, wishes, law of attraction, vision boards, sage clearing, hot stone massages and reiki, clicks such as goth & punk, addictive substances, meditation involving transcending, energy healing, mantras and yoga, Thai Chi and other practices, lgbtq, pro-choice movement, new age, idolizing popstars or actors or politicians, oija boards, candles, Goth/grunge or punk, Greek mythology and things like crystals for chakra cleansing, etc. There are many many others. The Bible is very clear about this. The world will make you believe these things are "freedom" and are "cool" but trust me, they open the doorway to the demonic realm and they give the devil a foothold into your life.  You want to keep your soul as free from demons as possible. The spiritual realm is very real, and only our Lord Jesus can lead you towards the righteous path of salvation.  

Learn to know the real you. She's different, yes. She has special needs, yes. She shouldn't be compared with neurotypical people, because she IS DIFFERENT. 

Learn to love her and accept her in those differences, because this means that she has real struggles, real difficulties in speaking up for herself and her needs. 

Don't try to change her. She only needs a peaceful, serene and calm environment with little stress, and she needs to believe that her existence matters here in this world. She's a sensitive soul who has intense feelings. This is a gift. It will be helpful for knowing the pains and sufferings of the world, and praying about them, and making changes for the better. When there's an injustice, ie. When you're feeling bullied, REPORT THEM. ALWAYS... report them. Whether it's a friend, a relative, a teacher... Report them. We are seriously lacking the learning that accountability brings. Instead of holding ourselves accountable, we are bribing our way out of it. Punishment isn't the best way for us to learn, we need to change it to DISCIPLINE. Gentle, kind, loving, nurturing discipline. The Autistic children CANNOT STAND bullying, yelling, screaming, violence, dysfunction, toxicity or injustice. This makes them reach for substances in order to self medicate. Avoid these items. Autistic people are very easily overstimulated. The world needs to settle down and stay quiet, because otherwise they will cause us to retreat further, and they don't realise how badly they need us to bring about change in a world that's far too MUCH. 

You

Are

Loved

By

Your

Creator

Here's the most important piece of advice:

There will be a time in your life when you are assaulted. This warning is strange, because in my mind I have told you enough in order for you to be able to prevent this encounter from happening.

(The point, I think, is for me to impart wisdom to the child self that still exists within me.) 

This assault changed everything about you and your existence. It is the most pivotal point in your life, and it was never meant to be the way that it was. Life was never meant to be like this for you. You were never meant to "fit in" but unfortunately you learnt how to Maladaptive daydream. Meaning you withdraw into an imaginary world. This blurs the lines between reality and fantasy. When you were assaulted, you retreated further. You pushed your autism away and you used sex to "blend in" and be accepted. It didn't really work because it got you into a lot of trouble. You didn't know better. You had no idea what was healthy versus unhealthy sexual behavior. You followed movie scripts, you copied what you saw. But you didn't have a level of understanding that a neurotypical child would have had. You developed a name for yourself, even though the version of you who acted out in those ways was traumatized. She was hurt, and suffering, and she had nobody to talk to, no outlet for her anger. She was bullied at home, too. She was bullied at school. So, becoming "sexy" was her only solution to a very awful situation. I'm so sorry that this happened to you! It created a borderline personality disorder, but you internalized it - because your mother was super strict and expected PERFECT BEHAVIOR from you, therefore you learned to smile your way through torture. You learned to distrust your feelings and emotions. You learned to distrust your gut.

You made the assault mean that boys are strong, and girls are weak, and so you gravitate towards boys more - for fear of being hurt... Girls then made you feel bad and they hated you. It was very confusing for you. It was indoctrination. You became who they said you are. "Easy." You went from awkward and shy - to flirtatious and outgoing, overnight.   

This was also the onset of a mental illness. One that was inherited from your mother. 

Schizoid & schizophrenia. This wouldn't have happened if you were in a safe enough environment for people to have acknowledged your differences. You went by, undetected. Your mother made you feel extreme shame for being so different, and therefore you learned very inventive ways to pretend that you were OK. You suffered throughout your life, pretending you were OK. You stuffed your feelings away. You stuffed your needs away. Nobody knew. You suffered INTERNALLY. 

SO, here I am... Saying we've come a long way, but you still struggle with voicing your needs, and with self rejection. 

I need you to LOVE YOUR AUTISM FIERCELY. One day soon you'll be in Heaven with Lord Jesus, and the suffering will be over. For now... Learn about autism. Learn about how to communicate with autistic children. Learn how to identify your skills and gifts, and use them well. Sorry for being long winded. It's my downfall from a lifetime of being misunderstood. 

**To the version of you that became sex obsessed... Here's something that you will find extremely useful. It's a tool that the Holy spirit prompted me to do 5 years ago after my encounter with God...

I believe this wisdom has the capacity to solve the sex addiction, rape, child sex trafficking epidemic that's rife in our society today, including the Hollywood stars who seem to be deep into sexual deviance and immorality, sexual dysfunction, and sexual paraphylia that's pervasive in the LGBTQ community... If only people would take this advice more seriously. It has the potential to truly heal the world, and to make it a better place. Remove the belief that you're a "good person", because as God says, there are none that are good. And instead of accepting this as "just accept me as I am" - what if you learned to turn it into a transformation, and you allowed God to reveal truth? We know that abused people can become abusive, I know this because it was me! But I was willing to go within. I was willing to see all my hidden darkness and trauma and wounds and it wasn't pretty. I developed a Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that I was inwardly abusive - self rejection - I bullied myself on the inside. I bullied my autistic self. I allowed her to be abused by others, too. BPD is a lost sense of self, and I took on my abusers identity. I took it on, I wore it like a glove. I molded and shaped myself into a version of myself that wouldn't get me into trouble, that my husband had the least trouble with. Because... Fear of man. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. I did whatever I had to do to STAY MARRIED AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!! I sold my soul to the devil. 

Why would I do this to myself? Because, growing up in the 80s in the area I did, with the TV shows I watched and the American movies about teenagers and virginity... Being told to smile and say thank you, hug and kiss people hello, be polite, don't smoke or drink - but it's fine sometimes, don't steal - but it's fine sometimes... Treat people respectfully - but dad can smack mom, Sex was NEVER explained to me, relationships were never explained to me. I observed, and I copied. My parents hated me. My mother hated me. I never knew genuine love and connection with them. But I tried! I tried to behave. I tried to help. I tried to be chatty. I tried to be less ME. I tried to be good at sports. I tried to be good at drama. I tried. They didn't notice. So, part of me thought I needed the whole world to notice me, that I needed to be rich and famous. That was a fantasy. I battled to differentiate between reality and fantasy. I wanted to be saved. I wanted my dirty dancing moment where nobody puts me in a corner. That was my goal. But when it happened, I couldn't keep him happy - he had his own version of me in his mind, and I tried to keep up. I tried to be his one and only ultimate fantasy. I did a really good job. For 20 years. It felt like 300. I broke. I broke down and my trauma came tumbling out. 

Sex addiction had been at the forefront of my existence, until God came into my life.

*****

What if...... Sexual arousal was actually childhood trauma, trapped within the *sexual regions* inside the body?

What if..... The thoughts that create arousal aren't what you think?

What if....... As a small child you never fully addressed these experiences, never fully got to feel these emotions in a healthy way?

What if...... You are able to heal, even now as an adult, by sitting IN the arousal, doing nothing other than allowing whatever thought to arise. Listen to the thought. Relax the body. Feel the emotion that's trapped within the arousal. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the truth within these fantasies, fetishes, kinks, intrusive thoughts, OCD's and outside voices.

I believe that for many of us we have repressed our emotions and our memories. It's playing out in our body as sexual arousal, fetishes, porn addictions, etc. We crave more and more, we go deeper and darker. It's like a demonic entity that's taken over.  It's not about love and connection, it's only about the next best high. It's all a lie. 

Inside us all lives an inner child. Lost parts of our whole being. Parts of ourselves we refused to listen to. The psyche twists and distorts reality. 

Sink into the arousal, and be open to hear its message in a non judgmental way. Ask God to be there with you. He knows you INTIMATELY and He will help you heal if you stop ignoring His existence and you do something unheard of... Invite Him in. 

You're not gay. You're not trans. You're not turned on by the taboo. These are all just indoctrinations. You've been brainwashed. That's not you, which is why you're suffering!!! Be open to this possibility. This version of reality. 

You're just a lost little child, cowering away from a harsh, cruel world who never listened to your pain and your anger. So you did what you had to do. You ignored yourself, you rejected yourself, and you became another version of your abuser. It's not who you are.

********** 

The world molded you into who they thought you should be.  You went along with them, you were flung to and fro. Your boundaries were non-existent and you hated who you were.  GOD TRANSFORMED YOU, HE SAVED YOU, HE HELPED YOU UNTANGLE FROM THE WICKED WEB OF LIES. You once were ensnared in the realm of darkness, with demonic threads and entanglements and leads and collars.  You tried freeing yourself , only to get entangled further and further. You have learned your lesson, though. You know now that JESUS SAVES US. That we cannot do it on our own. That we need Him more than just on a Sunday. That He hears our every thought. That our every thought MATTERS. 

You once were a willing participant in your own abuse. Now? Now you're ready to fight for Gods kingdom, no matter what it takes!  Everyone around you has left you.  Jesus never did.