It's complicated! (Chapter 2)

 There's a downside to experiencing a divine encounter with the Lord. Perhaps it's something that not many people bring to the light, falsely resulting in a sense of seperation and angst;

We believe that life gets better, immediately.

Lies. 

Do a deep dive into the stories of other born again believers, and you will find truth. 

For me, oh wow, but I assumed that I'd share my story and everyone would trust me and feel loved by God and would face their own demons and would turn from sin and would thank me and would learn from me and would buy a Bible and would be happy and spread love and everything would change for the better, souls would be saved, demons would flee, and that's my happily ever after I had been believing in all my life. My children would be saved and would turn to Jesus. My husband would repent, get saved, and we could walk into our newfound way of righteousness, wholeness and health, as Christ intended. 

When the Lord lifted His Holy Spirit off me that night (Chapter 1), I felt different. My mind was quieter than normal. Something had changed. I had a moment to think for myself. There wasn't as much inner turmoil as before. This allowed me a moment to reflect. 

God, if I attract what I am... WHY IS EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE ABOUT SEX? 

Clearly I had the Holy Spirit in me at this point, because in an instant I was shown, like a movie, a night in the park where I was sexually assaulted. I was 12 years old. God showed me what that night had done to me. This is the part that gets complicated... I had split into 2 seperate souls. One soul was still 12 years old, acting out her life in the body of a 46 year old woman. The true me, the 46 year old, had been stunted and silenced at 12. So, essentially the 12 year old me had taken over my life as a sex-obsessed boy (I took on the identity of my abuser). God showed me that I had been living my life, unconsciously believing a false narrative that

Boys are strong

Girls are weak

Sex = love

Boys want my vagina

The true me was stuck at 12. She didn't enjoy sex, she feared men, she was gender-confused and she was autistic. But she was stuffed inside, suppressed and repressed. She didn't get to call the shots, she was rejected. 

The ME who took over after I was assaulted was an unconscious mask. She was created in order to survive a life that had become far too harsh for my highly sensitive nature. 

So I learned to survive INSIDE my body. My internal life became fragmented parts of self. My inner dialogue was my parts speaking to each other, as well as parts of my abuser which I had taken on by the act of abuse. So, can I honestly say that demons exist? Absolutely. 100%. I'm a walking testament to how it feels living with a false persona of B. P. D, and I would therefore be a walking target for abusive boys. Because of my split psyche - part of me believed that I was male, part of me believed that I was only wanted for sex, part of me resented this fact, and part of me exploited this fact. My newfound downloaded psyche of demons took over whenever they wanted. I started believing them. 

I am weak. No means nothing. I am disgusting. I'm not human, I'm an object. Do what they want. Keep them happy. I exist to please them. 

After the Holy Spirit showed me this (it lasted a few seconds, but it felt like I had learned a lifetime in that moment) - for the first time in over 30 years I looked down at my body, and I said "I'm not 12 years old anymore" 

This was Absolutely freeing for me, as if I had come out of a coma, I had ripped off a mask that had been  keeping me in bondage. Hallelujah, thank you Jesus. 

In that moment, though, I realized how deep into sin I had fallen. I can explain it like this: somebody finally turned on the light after walking in the dark, but when I could finally see, I saw that I was surrounded by carnage. Nothing about my life reflected the true me. 

After my sexual assault at age 12, it seems this was the prodromal stage of schizophrenia. My boundaries had been completely violated, and I became dissociated, depersonalized and derealized. 

My life had become "all about sex" - because of my unhealed trauma. I was subconsciously attracting SEX into my life because I had the belief that SEX IS LOVE. 

Like a true autistic girl, sex became my "special interest" - my reason for existing. It became my way of not getting hurt or rejected by boys. I thought "that's what I have to do" 

I didn't know that what had happened to me was "sex" or "rape" or "bad" or "wrong" - I learned that later on. 

I was desperately trying to feel loved through sex. I needed it more and more... because it WASN'T WORKING. 

Like a hungry demon... Which is exactly what it was. The law of attraction isn't biblical... So if you're attracting toxicity in your life, it's not from God. Chances are that you, too, have unhealed wounds that has allowed the devil a foothold.